webpal's blog: "Barbecue"

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. 'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. 'The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied ' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Virgin Wife A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Weird Sex LAws The following are weird sex laws that are or were in place at one time or another. This listing is for entertainment purposes only and those seeking legal advice should contact their state or country representative or a lawyer that is familiar with the state or country's laws. ~ In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. ~ In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage. ~ "Female breasts," according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute "private parts" under state law. ~ The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two. ~ The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. ~ The T'ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals. ~ In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle. ~ There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of thingsââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚?one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has. ~ In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement. ~ The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive. ~ In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband. ~ The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones. ~ In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom. ~ The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays. ~ In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work. ~ In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans. ~ Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous ways. ~ In Krakow, Poland it's not only a crime to have sex with animals, but three-time offenders are shot in the head. ~ Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex. ~ In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exceptionââ‚ ¬â€Â?prop hylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." ~ While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum. ~ In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage." ~ In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries. ~ It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States. ~ An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera. ~ There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. ~ Under the law in Guam, it is forbidden for virgins to marry. ~ In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover may be killed in any manner desired. ~ In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification." ~ During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime. ~ As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C. ~ In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. Dead ones are apparently alright!?! ~ In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. ~ In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. ~ An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." ~ The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. ~ In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. ~ It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session. ~ In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. ~ Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden. ~ A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. ~ In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. ~ Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, Englandââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â‚¬Â?but only in tropical fish stores. ~ In the state of Texas it was a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral sex and or anal sex. * The Supreme Court overruled this law in 2003. The same law didn't apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other. ~ In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on. ~ In the state of Utah, sex with an animalââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚?unless performed for profitââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚?is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal. ~ Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species (except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. ~ In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. ~ It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England. ~ In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night). ~ A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. ~ It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. ~ Sodomy laws have been repealedââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚?or are ignoredââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â‚¬Â?in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home. ~ An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse. ~ In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. ~

Barbecue ------------------------- A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off, "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"