All of my life I've had a pretty simple way of looking at things. My heart is generous and kind. So hurting people and being dishonest never made much sense to me. I think that if your actions are going to hurt people than don't do it. Granted...I'm not completely free of making mistakes and I have made decisions based solely on the fact that its what I wanted at the time...therein hurting people or disappointing them. I am a genuinely good person. A little naive at times and even more often, way too trusting. I just feel that if someone tells you something, its true. Around here, that rule doesn't apply, then again, that rule rarely applies anywhere in life. People are ALWAYS looking out for number one. I suppose, in some sense, that's how it should be. You should always be your first priority. Never letting others determine what you do or how you feel or think. I let people's opinion of me pull too much weight in my life because I never want to be someone that others don't like or that person that has negative things said about them. I've probably lost out on a lot in life because of this. Its hard to change things about yourself though, old habits die hard.
Every day since I decided that my marriage wasn't working I've been focusing on doing what is right for my life, now. Making the decision to stand up for myself and my unhappiness was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I knew that staying in a relationship that wasn't one that I wanted to be in was just going to weigh heavy on my heart for the rest of the time we spent together. It took us two years to break ties with eachother completely. One or the other was always hanging on to something, making the break almost impossible. Finally, the day i drove away from him and the lie of a life we were leading I was able to focus on me. I haven't done anything for myself since I was 18. I've avoided my life by finding someone new to "take care of". Someone who's problems could overshadow mine and grant me a sort of relief from them. Boy, did I mess myself up. I messed myself up for every person I tried to make myself love, especially my ex...because our life together became way more than just dating. We had a baby, got married and attempted, for seven years, to have that dream, to build that life that we both thought we wanted so bad together. It makes me sad to think that we wasted seven years of eachothers lives trying so hard to make something work that just didn't.
Now, I'm not as broken as I was 11 years ago, I'm also not glued back together either. But the difference between now and 11 years ago is that I'm aware of my cracks and of the pieces missing. I embrace the fact that I'm not put together completely. For me, the cracks and holes are mending slowly. I have my beautiful daughter, who means everything to me and keeps me levelheaded and dedicated to working my life out. I have Jay. My amazing boyfriend, he's there for EVERYTHING. When I need to vent he's the first person I turn to and the best thing about him is he NEVER tells me what I want to hear, he always tells me what I NEED to hear and I know what he's saying is right and its exactly where my head should be. He's completely on my team and always trying to figure out the best way for us to work things out together. He's the best thing to happen to me in a long time and I love him with all that I have. He takes me for who I am and doesn't expect things from me that I can't give. He's the love of my life, my heart, my soul-mate. I don't care what any of you have to say about the way we met, sure, it was online...whatever. Meeting online is pretty much the norm today anyway. And last but not least, Amber. She's my other -person-. I know that no matter what, I can always turn to her. Even if talking isn't what I want to do, she's just always there. Just letting me know that when I decide I want to get my bullshit off my chest she's got me. I appreciate her so much. She's the best girlfriend a girl could ask for.
I have no idea what this blog was supposed to be about. I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts I was having out of my head. They get a little bit heavy and its nice to put them down. I was also thinking about all these people I've met online. Those of you I've invested my heart and time into. Sometimes it feels like its one-sided. Most of the time actually. And I don't mean that you're being a sucky friend, I'm saying that I'm being a sucky friend. I'm not the best at returning sb msgs, yims, texts and especially not phone calls...I hate answering my phone...but its not because I don't want to talk to you or that I'm avoiding you, not at all. The thing of it is that I can't just sit and talk to people all day. I have a little girl, so talking on the phone is impossible. She's pretty crazy, wild and loud so I wouldn't be able to hear you anyway lol. But yeah...just so you know...don't give up on me. Keep texting, keep messaging, keep sending emails. I love hearing from you. Truly.
And....that's all folks. If you read this whole thing, kudos...its a lot of ramble ramble ramble.
BUNNIES! xo Lotsa love, Lu²