I have neglected my medication. I have not taken not one pill sense I have returned home. I only took my medicine twice this month, and those two were while I was in PA. Joel asked me to, so I did.
I am a disaster. I am over run with anxiety. I am over ran with emotions that are as uncontrollable as a wild horse. Tears and myself are no stranger. If I am not laying in bed crying. I am sitting alone crying. My decisions in life have gone astray. And I am doing my best to get all of this out.
If I had to name one emotion that I am over come by. It would be failure. or perhaps despair. the best way to describe it would be a mix of the two.
My brain doesn't function well with out the chemicals that the pills produce. and yet, I don't care enough about myself to even give myself sanity. Some how I feel that I deserve every agonizing moment in my head. Positive thoughts are foreign to me. I like to pretend that I can be positive. Put on a show as I have done for years. I'm not happy.. I don't ever recall being happy to be honest. even as a child, I wasn't like other children. I was filled with anxiety attacks. Felt isolated, no matter how many people were near. And guess what. that little isolated girl, grew to be an even more isolated woman.
I grown so tired of fighting in my own head. emotionally I'm drained. physically, I'm drained. Most days, I can't even make myself get out of bed. It's a horrible existence, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
I can't tell you how many times in a day, I wish that my life would just stop. That the emptiness inside of me would disappear. This isn't a momentarily thing. This is an ever going battle inside of my own head. Me fighting myself to care about me. because if I don't. No one else will either.
I'm tired. of everything. of having to depend on pills to make it so that I don't want to die every moment of every day. Of knowing that MY life, is in the hands of a doctor who doesn't give a shit how I really am emotionally. Of someone who can never understand what it's like. Someone who changes the medicine every time there are "new" drugs out. He prescribes them to everyone that comes in. Two weeks. Sometimes Four weeks it takes to take effect. Ever change of the pills and the gated torment tramples over me again. Tears flow from my blood shot eyes. So swallow a few pills to live. swallow a few more for death. either way, swallow them and hope the pain goes away.
I'm sorry if you've read this. This is how I feel inside. Every day. All the time. This is why, when someone asks me what is wrong. the answer will always be" Nothing..." How many people think that they could feel like this everyday, and hide it all away? I do it for everyone else. Because no one can really handle me. No one can find words to take all of the pain away. More so though, that I don't want everyone to go. To leave me alone with these feelings. to let them eat away at what can only be described as what's left of a tormented soul.
Once again. I am sorry if you read this.
