Just L00's blog: "ACK!!!"

these later days, I feel as if i'm on the brink of tears. I've had way to many changes in my life, and many other obstacles that have landed in my path. I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle, for every time I think things may be looking up, I get another heart shattering blow. how much can one take, before it kills them? I'm lost, brokenhearted, and teary eyed. the question is, does he care enough to notice, that i'm dying on the inside? I feel as if i'm on my last thread, and this tread is so weak, its amazing that I'm still alive and kicking. what is one to do, when they feel so alone at night, even though, the person they love is laying by there side? how is one to stand up and face another day, when all they want to do is hide away and cry? my tears will fade away in time, but what about my heart? where is the love I need? thanks for you time Lost in a web of shattered pieces

Happiness is in the heart of the beholder. So with this I smile because God has my heart. In the world we live in, we often forget the most important thing in life.... God. We get busy, trying to please those around us, family, friends, boy friends/girlfriends,or husbands/wifes. We often push away the one who is always here for us no matter what. The one who has never hurt us. Why do we do this, I don't know, nor am I going to justify it. I'm guilty of it beyond a question of a dought. tho I'm not proud of it, I am neither ashamed to admit. When we push God off to side, it is at that moment that life as we once knew it is no more. This is the moment when things go from bad to worse. I know that with me, I ofter forget to thank God as soon as things start to head south. and everytime this has happened I have notice that things then began to spiral out of control, and I just wish I where dead. Sometimes it is easy to submit back to God, other times this isn't so. This last time, thing spiraled so fast out of control, that befor I knew it I was so deeply depressed, and wanted to kill myself... But in a since I have killed off a part of me, making room, for another part, a more profound, Piece of me. With any luck, more so with God's help, the new self will grow and become all I never could become before. I am standing in faith, that something much better is just around the corner. No longer am I knocking on these doors. I will do as God tells me, If he says get up and go, becuase it is time, will then i will get up and ask where are we going. Just a few weeks ago, I was ripped in pieces. Depression seeped in for a few days, but then, I walked unto my father with my broken heart, and in a matter of seconds I was overfilled with joy and a peace I have never had, deep within me. Since then I have had good days and great days. Tho some of the people around me have been trying to pull me down, they have been unable to. In an effort of there attemtps, I removed myself from their graps. It may not of been the best descsion I could have made, but it is working for the time, and with God's help, I will be just fine.

This is a time where we're all suppose to pull together, be happy and show are true feelings. But for me, it has got to be the worst time in the world. It's always such a let down. just when I think thing are finally going to get good, something always happens, and the ground I stand upon, is wiped away. quicker then a blink of an eye. So here I am, once again in the same place I find myself year after year. Hopelessly forgotten, by there people who mean the most to me. well that not all true, some are still here. lately I feel as if everything I do is wrong, and I can't get anything right. Maybe that is how it really is. I fear that if things keep heading down this road, I'm walking into an early grave. I truly don't know how much more pain I can take. It isn't right, all my life I've had pain, hearache, dishonestly shoved down deep within. my mind can't mend with this and more. sometimes it feels as if darkness lives deep within, and its eatting me alive. Don't get me wrong, there have been a few great times mixed into the mix. memories I cling onto, for dear life. I'm not giving up hope yet, I can't, because I know somewhere deep inside, that as long as I live there will always be hope. but it brings me to the next question, what if there isn't a nice place to go after we die? What if I have been hurt so much, that it kills me, and my spirit can't rest. Then what do I do? So I do the one thing I have always done well, write write write, in hope that somewhere in the mist of it, an answer will appear. early after everything hit the biggest fan ever, I started to pray, to my heavenly father, the answer I got was not the one I was seeking, but for now its all I have so I will follow. The answer was to swear myself to him for a year. A whole year of soloitude, no more realionships so to speak. I can have friendships but that is it, of course there is one way, but I must not speak of it. I don't see it happening anyways, so why should I get my hopes up by thinking about it? I'm sick and tired of always being let down. when push comes to shove, I get tossed aside. As of now, I even feel as if my step-dad hates me. I haven't done anything to him, but I overhear him talking bad about me. It hurts me so deep. If it wasn't for him, I think I would have died. He did so much for me, and helped me come so far, only to abondon me. least thats what it feels like. I've tried talking to him about it, but I have better luck talking to my wall, atleast it quite and listens, even if it never talks back. On top of all this the man I love has pushed me away. ripped out the last bit of hope that I was clinging onto. now i'm only hanging by a tread, on the blink of insanity. so much for my knight in shinning armor on his white stallion. looks like I got the devil again. All I can see is something laughing and pointing at me. But I'll show this. This shall not be my end. I shall stand tall again, one day, somehow. I'll be shouting at the top of my lungs, "If only You could see me now" and all those who ever did me worng, will fall down and weep, for all the pain they have caused me. Right now one the outside I may look weak, I may feel like its the end, but in my heart of heart, i know better. don't confuse my emotions for weakness. That the last thing they are. I AM STRONG!! VERY MUCH SO!! if i wasn't so, then I would already be dead, and last time I checked I was alive. Until the day my heart stops beating, I will go on fighting this losing battle. it doesn't matter if I win or not, only that I finsh, and boy do I plan on finshing. You better believe it. One thing I have never been is a quitter. and the harder I am pushed down, the harder I will fight. So stand your postions, grab your best weapons, this battle has yet to began!