NTZ's blog: "A Return Of Thought"

Your normal is weird to me, your fear of me exist since you don't appeal to me and can't cause tyranny. No strings puppeteers, crook like looks in the good book wont put the fear of GOD in me. Unfollow me. One click off your twitter. You're like critters in the night, once under the light quickly outta sight. Never in the mind of mine. These few minutes is the only time I can spare, I find. You're no where if you're not here. Shot up our future, columbine. I hope this is quite clear, a rebel in a time where being a rebel is a fad yet in the minds of the masses a foolish belief they changing the times. Obama being president wont keep oppression from being the rights of a Sterling's life. My black skin has me hated by more blacks than whites. King is dead and we still fighting for equal rights. It's just now within the community. No raised fist signaling unity just a finger and pistol look at what the black man will do to me. Too many want to be the man with steel, not a man of steel. No heroes for the youth so the future is the only thing they kill. Can rap without selling crack, real. Mass appeal says thug is king of the hill. Living on NFL contracts when you should chase baseball deals. Three years, career killed. Behind bars for keeping it real. The thrill is so trill stay ill behind weed smoke blinded by the uncomforting of having to feel. Emotions we don't want to deal with so no wonder we under the influence of the government's pills. Hey doctor i'm just sad but can you heal. No one commented the 20th selfie I've posted from my living room, myself I should kill....

...5th child crying, boyfriend no longer thinks dating is worth trying. Left on my 26th birthday, any real men out here where I am? Tiring. These broken homes built without pillars so no one looks in the mirror. Grand canyon sized abyss hole in us, looking for a filler. Running in the night from these inner monsters, thriller....

...not finding your worth in this life is the ultimate killer...

...Biker Boyz on my mind! Laurence Fishbourne, Lisa Bonet replaying all the time. Man in his thoughts as she lays on his chest, yes. Listening to his every breath, not trying to guess. On what is next to come out of his lips, same lips soft and uncontrollably she had to give a kiss. Her opinion on his dream floating through the mist. That bad chick on the side only because she's ride or die. No Lie. No Lie. No Lie. That vision before my eye, that's all i'm seeing as I lie. No companion to turn this scene into mine. That's where i'm at, this moment not important just feelings potent. That creature bugging in mind little rodent say cheese. Smile for the flick if you can picture this with me. Undress your cool, nude is our minds being free. Lay with me...hear my heart beat...

...it's for you.

Are you still watching? Reading? Don't answer that.
Haven't done you right, era of aftermath.
So desctructive.
Deserve your hate, corruptive.  No answer to my fuctions...to you.

...FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!

Less important mission than the admission
into parks late night walks with soft kisses
held hands minutes after theater visits
of movies to vision,
envisioning life imitating art through the prism
that captures imaginations of relationships
strive past Facebook status dissing.

The bitching of ex mistress fuck buddy friend with benefit
the sex getting plenty of it
but really its false advertisement
to claim whore-ness
when horniness appropriate
creates thoughts to approach a chick
to ask with a grab of the ass, a throbbing dick
a time to cause bedrooms not to seem motionless.

The motions get to the point of no return
breasts squeezed, so firm
toes curling, thighs begin to squirm
from the effort of the wettest tongue
preparing entrance of the thickest worm
shots pop off till clicking like a gun
don't mistake it as being done
just reloading for extra fun
for the sucking, licking, and teasing
the squeezing, swallowing, and yum.

A high unlike others
naked above covers
in your arms, a blazing blonde 3 months from saying love ya
above ya,
emotions of past mistakes can't recover
innocent feelings before dealing
with vicious vixens that left you reeling
cast lure fishing in ponds for women less appealing
feeling no more chances or dealing
with relationships half these chicks
not worth touching your nuts let alone holding your dick
like abyss opened and swallowed any one worth it to get
like a bitch life keeps fucking and sucking
but instead of swallowing shit spits....

...all in your face, screaming....

Sad when the best part of my day is in a bed with roaches as I lay. Silence as grandma pray. Dear Lord, protect him every night when he's on his way. Night shift doesn't have him thinking straight. You may think, with all the dicks at his job that he fucks with that he may have gone gay. Lack of diploma expressing earned trade eliminates 150 K. So to those grass cutters he rush to slave. Sleep patterns sway like 2 Chains on 2 Chains when 2 Chains race on stage. Dreaming on lotto winnings, boy would that be the day. Feeling like i'm losing him Lord, sometimes he go cray. Talking bout leaving us all, screaming he'll go away. Texas, Arizona, maybe Germany. Even worse straight to hell, Satan's son he claims to take place. He's not about this faith. He's just losing his way. This is to push him back on the path to bring sunshine in his days. Just a loving grandma, in your name I pray. AMEN.

My mornings bare moon lit skies before my eyes. Happy but not satisfied, slowly recognized. Pussy never the prize but look at I. Cold hearted life have me running between those thighs. Friends give rolling eyes with sighs, why do i become this guy? Finger dipping in apple pies. Sips of spoils on the side. Step in shit, swatting flies. Broken hearts, driven blind. Wondering, why no one running up to stand by my side? Not your type. Pure truth, less lie. Maybe thought uninformed, compromised. Televised by looks given while passing by. Girlfriend doubtful, fuck even thinking wife. Cupid commited suicide. Shots in the dark, worth a try? Raise your hand if you like to become my. Right! Not even fingertips before my sight, emotions to fight. Fall from those heights. You question me with a why? Bitch please. I dont even smoke and you killed my high. The best available but you're not feeling that vibe. So what's the 4-1-1, hit me with that Blige. No reason to wave if you're the lowest point of the tide. Here i thought, meeting of the minds. This is me meeting up with mine. Blow kisses as i walk away, let it his this behind. You're not doing even better, no longer gonna waste my time. Simpletons, gather more than what's on the outside. Goodnight sunlight.

Forever alone. Just names and pictures on a phone. Went wrong when gifting them bones. Suck that good for me, viewpoint from this throne that i'm sitting on. Never feeling like royalty. BK like crowns, paper cut outs derived from dying trees laying on frozen grounds. Lands I head pound when feeling down. No wonder no one comes around. That sound you hear is me hell bound. Falling, better yet sinking. Just over here thinking. Had a talk with my best friend, became advice giving. No lovers around these park among the living. Our hearts wont feel healing. So the loneliness we building with bricks molded from blood and tears with clay to mix, and maybe cover the wounds no need for stitches to fix. These cuts that seem self made. Your life for mines, do any of you want to trade? I'll gladly do it. Half my days spent screaming fuck that screw it. Optimistic views mean nothing, prove it. Who's it? Not I because i'm hiding behind this hard place and in front of this rock. Am I worth finding? Combining beliefs. Good grief, nobody to hold when I sleep for the past 73 weeks. Through words with friends me and the ex speak but she's not coming back to me. Before I the guy she use to see, returning love back to he. I wish them well, Tel Aviv.

Not my destination even though right here there is no foundation to build a life worth living just something i'm feeling. Been in the back of my mind opening doors I once kept close out of fear. Spirits I keep near. To keep warm during this frigid year. Shall I disappear? Contemplating. Debating these decisions that I am making. Even with good intentions causing hatred. Pain. That is the thing I can't explain. So no more hey's, smiles, or waves. Bury these moments in a grave beside the body i hope to morph into some day. Until then I continue walking around like a plague, avoid me ok. I might end up going cray from more things people say if that happens I pity the fool that so happen may be around me that day. Losing friends again. Ashes of burnt bridges rolled up in that paper between my lips with a glass of that strong shit, take a sip. Lighter up in front of it. Puff puff, sniff sniff. Just trying to get a grip. Pacing, hand on my hip. Smoke filling the air as the blunt shrinks quickly burning my fingertips. Caine on the table. Dolla, dolla bill. Through the nostril, my nose i can't feel but what it tasted was that real. Starting to feel ill, let me take this pill. Bottle wont open i'm struggling out of anger get to throwing out the window over the hill through the fields where my ancestors got kill. For trying to escape plantation walls and it's mass appeal, dogs chewing off their skin and begin to peel. Dragging nigger bananas, comparative to my mental impression of this mill. But until...

I jump on that chariot to travel roads paved by Harriet, liberation I swear to get. Until these beginning steps in that direction aim to cause effect and plan for better days. Must be better ways than living like this but nothing left to say. This is the game so I play. Tie my shoes tight, preparing mentally to take that winning J. Game 7 this feeling feels like Heaven, soft yet firm but can get tough so beware if you try to fuck it up. Making wishes again to make a stop by Michigan. Even when kids through fits I hope to hug and share a kiss. Never know could fall and make you my miss. I think on this like the friend spoke about trying to get her heart fixed. Could we be more? As long as I keep from these whores and show you all that there's a lot i have in store. Stored behind those doors. Connected to four walls, a ceiling, and a floor. Housing my beliefs and ideas that say this world is much more than the earth crust, lets dig deep into the core. Then you'll find all the answers to what you are living for. Building for. Dying for. Crying for. Fighting for. Escaping these cages with hand raised, Bellator.

It's hard for me to watch anything about Jim Valvano, his ESPY speech, and the 1983 NC State Wolfpack team without holding back tears at some point. Soon after there is nothing left to hold back, not when your cheeks become a portrait of emotions flowing downward. There is a lot of reflecting when it's only me and my mind talking. Conversations on the past we have had and the decisions made or wasn't made that has brought us where we are today. Plenty of mistakes. Handful of regrets. Beautiful memories that keeps a man going in a world he struggled believing was meant for him to venture out to. I had a conversation with a woman in my life who is one of a few who I never hesitate in calling my friend. As usual things turn into about both our personal situations. She's single with a child, i'm just single. The belief that we both will be having this same conversation 20 years from now, both of us still single. Then she says it, that I would understand one day once I have a child. My response is always never going to happen. She replies you don't know, can't predict what is to come. Well you know that is true and always a chance unless I don't have sex...

...she laughs. YOU! GREG, NOT HAVING SEX! You fell out the bed and hit your head, can't tell me you not going to have sex...

I guess I see what picture 2013 has painted of me in the eyes of my friends. Since our friendship has began, she knows everything. I mean everything. She's the one person I tell. She knows all about 2013 and how I don't want to repeat last year again. Yes, I'm maybe not Don Juan but I can make a couple calls if need be. I have options, but the point of mentioning not have sex is me saying two things. The obvious of you can't have kids if you don't have sex and the personal feelings that the next sexual experience shall be enjoyed with the next one to become my love. It's alright, you can laugh too. Would be lying if I said that even I wasn't laughing at myself. When did this thought come to be?

That was just a small portion of the conversation we had hours before I watched the documentary about NC State beating Phi Slamma Jamma Houston team in 1983. The battle of Jimmy V and cancer, seeing the last months of his life. It is in that speech at the ESPYs he said that you have had a full day if you have done three things:

Laughed
Think
Have your emotions turned into tears.

Something I actually believe in and with my thought process lately of bettering myself, I end up combining the thoughts of that speech with the conversation of my friend.  At the same time holding back some tears, which became nothing left to hold back. I picked up my phone and started to delete. Things that have me telling people, would be bad if anyone got my phone. Pictures and video sent and received, why do I still have these? Almost an accumulation of if over the past 2 years, why do I still have these? They have no purpose today while when they were taken they were adult enjoyment between I and the sender. No need to carry them on. No faces to many of them and yet I can tell you who they are. Though it's nothing I regret. Nothing to be ashamed of and nothing embarrassing. Just a man with good friends in his life, interesting ones as well. Which brings it back to my friend who I was talking to.

Knowing my efforts in losing weight again she speaks on my looks and how there is nothing wrong with me when I speak about how i'm too self conscious to go in a gym. I know i'm attractive but at the same time there is something that has to be fixed. How I feel about myself today is totally different in the years past. Back then I was ugly and you couldn't tell me different. You couldn't convince me not. I was never ugly and just was too hard on myself she says. I agree today, but all the yesterdays before was a hatred for my appearance. Though as I said, some things still need fixing. That's what i'm doing. No one really understand my feelings in the past. I always ask them, what would you think of yourself when the first time someone told you that you look good in person happened in your mid twenties? That you would go through high school, college, have a job, be around friends and friends of your friends, and be out in public for some to see and yet the first time you even hear you look good happens in your mid twenties. If you're already someone with low confidence and low self esteem then you would never think you are attractive. So I joked, the world made a mistake in letting me think I was. They created a monster. I am not responsible for the terror I cause in the future...it's all on her and others. :)

Not sure how many will end up reading this and this is not a disrespect to those online who have known me since I was 20, some of you looked at me then with opinions of attractive. Though you know that same feeling, there is a difference when those eyes are right in front of you. My path to where I am today is one that many wouldn't follow and couldn't emotionally understand. There is something pathetic that lies in the cracks of that road I walked to get here but I am here. Where life wasn't worth having and now its what can I do to make things better for me. All you have to say to that is never give up. Whatever you want out of things, never give up. Wipes my tears.

Without sleeping still seeing dreams of a good thing. Visions of a memory. Yesteryears forecasting tomorrow's possibilities. Whatever happens will happen, can't dwell on the unknown. Success goes to the most productive been the thing that is shown. So I get up from this mattress. Eyes on a TV reading the lips of an actress. Grams getting ready to join the rest of the Baptists. I'm just a sinner with no care of GOD's actions. Just my very own. A lot of shit to do, a lot is going on. A lot of nonsense in my palms brought to me by my phone. Another text from a woman that want me. My text telling her tonight wont be when she I would go see. Not nice being me and I'm really sorry. I want the sex but right now need to relax by myself. There is a lot bad intention hovering above my neck. And Karma on a winning streak, I'm trying to pay respect. Keep doing what I do, can't be surprise with what I get. Playing with a lot of broken toys with no want to try to fix. I'm oil, please don't be water they say we can't mix. In the end I'm just want to enjoy my day in this bitch. Maybe later, a different time come and lay with that chick. Cute young thing got me sprung on her tits. All she talks about is jumping hard on my dick. Is this a problem or I just create reasons to be bothered. Papa wasn't home couldn't tell you if I'm like my father. With 15 aunts uncles maybe I'm turning into grandfather. But I'm the lucky one, no pacifiers and no bottles. Dirty diapers being worn by the skeletons in my closet. Two baby scares, doctor visits lets get off this. Phone begins vibrating from a text from a friend that says she meditating. Means puff puff, elevating. I tell her she's dumbing. Really she's in pain so she needs all this numbing. Or she'll go crazy and start to grab the gun and. Wont be a bullet for herself, just a case of bullets for everyone else. That continues to fuck with her. Motherfuckers think they know but they not knowing her. Keep calm. Keep calm. A lot of ticking going on, please don't awake the bomb. Sounds from the phone and a new text, another beautiful bomb. Showing me pictures that she has nothing on. Posing in positions, naughty thinking let me see umm. Would like to get into that. Tweety like, I thaw I saw a putty kat. Plus the booty's fat. Now I'm planning to break backs like Bane, but can't change my promises no matter how I want to act. One dick for one pussy. Not Pac, don't get around. The first woman spoken bout be the only one that I'll be getting down, for. Until she don't need it. Or we be fuck this, lets forget it. Can't deny the past women in my life that I want to visit. Dirty kisses I'm sending to Ohio. Oh hey there, hi yo. Black chick cursing me, why you going white yo. Why you keep on fucking with these nasty hos. You're not Santa, this isn't Christmas.  Why you keep gifting? Down chimneys. Milk and cookies. Through the night, house to house. Who you really be? Just foolery. Just be cool to see, they say me with a baby or sick with an STD. Oh that will really teach me. Even if GOD can't reach me. I speak truth when I speak see. Reasons its hard to really love me. Too many women I have love for. Too many women on my phone so. There is always a woman on my thoughts no. Doesn't mean it's always you i'm got hearts for. I'm not in bed with these ladies. Most of them friends. Most of them have saved me and that might sound crazy. But none of you know how down I was, never was on drugs. Just felt small, something like bugs. Negative feelings that would not budge. Teen life became dont give a fuck. Didn't change a bit in my twenties. Felt like that world didn't want anything from me. Didn't have anyone tell me that they loved me. Didn't think any woman in this world would want me. Only the grim reaper I tried to give all of me. Come take my life, the world is fucked and i'm tired of thinking of ways to die. Many years went by with a sigh. Didn't finish college but got a job, cool right? Still not socializing except for social sites. Where the women showed love, encouraging me to be doing right. I did. Met about three at the time who didn't see me as a kid. Saw me as a man they wanted to try with. Saw me as a chance they were willing to take and. Realize i'm still growing so had to change their thinking. To them i'm thanking. Other's too I thank them. From North Dakota to Germany. I'm not longer sitting her hurting see. Only probably still women that i'm hurting with intention to be more than friends but then nothing. That's the summary of my story with a want to get money so i'm continuously working. Which takes too much of my time. Wish I could make one of you as mines. I just dont have the desire or energy to fall in love with a queen. So i'm chilling with the Harley Quinns who still show me beautiful things, by text. What is yet to come, what is next? What be the cause of this noose around my neck? Wait another text i'm living off their words.......I'm living for their verbs. But I guess its for the best.........I guess. I'm just a mess.