MYSTIKKAL fka DJMystikkal's blog: "A little about Me!"

So I guess i should start off by saying,  to anybody i may have never been honest with and strung along, I am sorry,  I haven't been in my right mind for years,  all the heartbreak, caused by being cheated on, deaths and people just losing contact it ate at me hard.  I wasn't myself and i am sorry.  

With that said.  I feel talking about my disappearance is needed to clear up any questions anybody may have, Two Years ago I left Not just Fubar but Society all together, for those who know or have talked to me, know i have suffered from severe depression,  but the one thing i have kept is i suffer from "Social Anxiety"  it was so bad that I tried 3 times to end my life.  I checked myself into a rehab facility out of state Why? because there is just too much heartbreak and sad memories here and i just knew i wouldn't be able to work them out. SO i went and spent tqo years in Chicago Illinois.  no phone, no internet, no nothing just myself.  Why there? because i have alot of friends there,  my best memories were back there.  When i got out i felt i was ready... so i came back,  well i wasn't ready..  I fell into the same slump tried the same thing over and over again and failed every time.  Everyone started slamming me, just saying You want an easy way out.... No actually i feel just like most people who try suicide,  I just want the pain to stop.  

However the Social anxiety that is a completely different story,  I would get so frustrated with people because they would always say "Get out and meet new people"  Look, i feel extremely awkward around people, and until i get to know them,  it remains that way.  I honestly don't feel someone else has to feel that way just because of something i deal with.  I feel that just even saying hi to someone, that I will be judged.  I feel that socially, i am unaccepted in society.  I honestly haven't dated in 9 years, because 1 it scared me because of the social anxiety, and 2.  I couldn't get anybody to be willing to work with me by being paitent and letting me work through this and helping me feel comfortable.  I know it's so easy to just get up and walk away from someone when they are at the lowest point in their lives.  but to come out and say "well  its You not me" to that person.  

so being at the lowest point in my life basically throwing everything away I was just so done,  which leads me to the happy part in this story.   I it was a year ago, after i got out of rehab, that i realized I need some help that rehabs couldn't give. so I went to a church here in town.... Now realize i was probably the MOST un-christian person there was.  and Churches scared me more than just being out around people.  I sat down with the pastors and told my story, at first when they offered to help me i was extremely leary of the help,  i just figured it would be a way for them to judge me when i am not around.  they let me go through classes to understand everything.  They have treated me as a "work in progress" they say.   They always call me up front of the Congregation of 400 ask me how things have been and what not  the biggest test they put me through was the whole baptism thing that was infront of everyone,  i felt like i was going to black out i was scared to death to be infront of everyone.   

Now i can safely go up to someone and shake their hand... say hi,  because i feel comfortable around them,  I know that the only Judgement i need to even be concerned about is the Judgment from God himself.  I came too a fork in the road, not knowing what path to take I had Road A. Keep going the way i am going and maybe wind up dead.  Or B.  Just put my trust in God to get me through my struggles. my pastor asked me one time explain to me what i am feeling and thinking....  So i just told him....  "Picture the first time you sat your child down as a toddler,  they couldn't walk and they reached up too you like help me  and you just stand there and say "No you will be fine"  and then when you stand up you know you are ready to push on.  

I sit and reflect by looking at my past posts on ALL of social media.. Wow i was in serious trouble,  When i start feeling depressed i just turn to scripture (no i do not talk religion with anybody, or do i preach to anybody, but i have however helped people with struggles).  I do not feel i am ready for Everything i still have very little trust in someone, and when i do accidently meet someone new face to face and they say Oh its ok you suffer from that, and then 2 weeks later say "ummm yeah i am sorry but i can't deal with that" its hard to trust. So i am not sure exactly how to say it.....  I have trust issues with everyone.  if you want to try thats fine, but don't say "Your all in" and then decide "Nah Just kidding".  

Ok heres the deal i know people are kinda shocked that im writing a blog but im really confused i dont know really what to do so if anybody has any advice or suggestions it would be greatly appreciated.  anyway here we go

I met this girl about a year and a half ago, through someone i worked with, well we kept in contact as friends online but we just reciently started dating in real life, she lives in this town but moved from a different area in the state, anyway we have been dating for a month and shes got ALOT of baggage, im talking past shit.  well she apparently has this crazy ex bf who doesnt really know where she lives and she keeps fearing that hes going to find her and kill her.  So she keeps trying to break up with me but her mom talks her out of it because im totally different then the type of guys she use too see. You can tell that something is always on her mind but when asked about it she wont share, yet she gets extremely upset when i have something on my mind and wont tell her.

She was married for 10 years but got divorced, for reasons that supposidly were that he was into drugs and she did her own thing.  She left her husband for his best friend.  This best friend apparently beat her and tried to kill her on more than one occasion.. she keeps talking about how she "hates Men" but when i asked her how i got a chance with her she wont ever awnser. We have never got into a fight and we get along really good.  i just dont understand what the deal is...

She has some fear that hes going to travel 5 hrs from his home too here to look her up and try and kill her but shes in a place where 1. he doesnt know where she is.  2. who she is even living with and 3. doesnt even know who i am there for i wouldnt be in danger.   Yet her excuse is she doesnt want me in danger so she keeps trying to let me go so to speak.  She says that she keeps trying to push me away but then she thinks twice about it.

I guess what im trying to get too is...... should i just say its been fun and walk away.  Or should i stick around and get hurt even worse than i am now when she leaves.