foolforlove's blog: "a jilted womans life"

ok you live your whole life of 19 years being told you will never amount to anything. you're told you would only be pretty enough, smart enough, and good enough for a guy if you weren't so fat. to hear that all the time, especially from family at such a young age does some serious damage to a girl. basically from the time you can walk, talk, and comprehend, you just start assuming that everything you are being told is truth, and it is ingrained, compounded, and made true by an unrelentless pursuit of beauty in this world. it took me a long time to understand that i was just as good as those "beautiful girls", the ones every guy wanted to date and every girl wanted to be. i didnt want to be like them but there was one thing they had i did want, besides a relationship with a guy, and that was their confidence. these are the girls who walk through the hallways and everyone knows who they are, even kids down in the middle schools know their names. In school districts and even farther into other school districts they were known, they were either a cheerleader, or dance team, a majorette, or a teen beauty queen. if by chance one of these girls even looked your way and other people saw it, you were held in the highest of esteem for the rest of the day, "omg the cheerleader told me to move" i cant believe what that will do for my social standing now...so through the hallways i traveled as a freshmen, the only people who actually looked at me they would turn their heads yell out one of many obsenities, i have heard them all, you got any new ones swing by my way, i love to be prepared, but when they said it and i would hear the pig, cow, horse, dog, or gorilla sound that was followed by uncontrolable laughter, my self esteem took a huge nose dive. finally summer break, i was in marching band so no summer breaks for the band geeks, but why could i be myself in front of most of them but out of the band room i shut down and got to where i needed to go as fast as i could. i see it still as though im floating about this young girls with long braids on each side of he head, the quickness in her step, her held held down as if she had been condemmed to die, and painfully she was, she was about to step into another realm of the degredadtion of girls and young ladies in today's society. a place where all her dreams would come true and her worries over, and the status of non exisitent humuniod would be no more. standing at my locker one of the juniors came by and said something about "Elaina, om my god did you hear about the big homecoming dance in two weeks?" i would say yea i know about it, at that point i thought she was just asking me too babysit her sister so she coud go, but then i herd words that i never knew exisisted in the human high school language. "well i heard from so in so who heard it from their friend who heard it from a football player that the big guy around was gonna ask u to go with him. i think at that point i turned 6 shades of red, elaina did u hera me, he wants you to meet him under the bleachers in the stadium after school. i was speechless, could i fake a sick moment and go home to change and look better, what should i do? the last few hours of school were excruciating, i would have rather someone been putting bamboo under my finger nails. i looked at the clock, oh man its been that same time for like 5 minutes when only a few seconds had drifted by. minutes by minute my heart beating faster and faster, the bell rings, i start to wonder, do i just run for the stadium at break neck speed or go when i wanted to go, i palyed it cool, took extra time to do everything, i slowly walk up to him and said hey i heard you had something to ask me. he takes my hand and kisses it, wow now wait a minute i didnt expect that, elaina i just want you to know how pretty, smart and talented you are and it would be my extreme pleasure if you could be ready at 6pm so i can pick you up. as flabbergasted as i was i muttered yes, good, ill be there then. my mind went into overdrive, what to wear, how to act i needed help bad. i went home and begged my mom, mom it's brian asked me out you know the football player brian, mom i need a dress shoes and everything. i shopped at least 10 different stores just to get the right dress, perfect, the night was perfect, i heard a car drive up outside. it was him. i went out to get in his car but there was the homecoming queen sitting in the passenger seat, her cherry blush lipstick all over his face, het elaina you will have to get in the car behind us. i did still hot by any standards. we got to the stop sign, but the starngest thing happened, brian and his car was headed to the school we were going the oppisite way. we pulled up to this house his friends said just go on ih he'll be here soon, ok so i did, next thing i know braisn mom is running down the stairs yelling at her husband to move it, she then handed me a piece of paper, they were babysitting notes, honey thanks for doing this on such short notice it means a lot. yea monday at school i got lots of laughs but i also got one more thing from that, residing down deepest in my soual was something dying to come out...a bitch,

you know im older ive been around the block a time or too and one thing that startles me the most is the lack of integrity in people today. come on girls you all know what im sayin, how many times have you heard the same lines over and over again? how many times have you heard those lines and thought this could be a fun, cool person to hang out with for awhile? then you meet, women know right off the bat if they would ever be willing to sleep with a guy but do they know what they are gettin themselves into? ive been there, ive met some really great guys who i would just adore hangin out with and if sex is something we both want than all the better, but then there are the guys who you meet and think damn they are hot, should I? will i ever get the chance again? and then the little devil voice inside your head says o go for it you only live once and lifes way to short not to have a good time. so you sleep with them. one thing i can give advice to a guy about, not all, cause everyone has their own likes and dislikes, but dont try and have just your kind of sex your way. involve the person you are trying to bed down with and you may get just a totally different even better result. dont just assume every woman likes the same kind of sex you do, dont assume that just cause you met this chick off the internet that she is an easy lay or totally desperate, and for gods sake never assume that just cause you need to get laid and you think hell ill go for a fat chick, they'll put out cause who else would have them. thats one group of girls never to discount, especially for a good time in and out of the bedroom. if there is one word of sage advice i can give anyone, it is please please dont take anyone for granted, and dont cut down anyone that you deem not worthy of your companionship cause i tell you what people there are true gems in rough exteriors. you know i could give you a play by play of what i mean but would you take what im saying at face value, or put a new spin on it and make it play out differently as to fit your ego. i spent 12 years with a guy who i know a lot of times i bash in these things but hey i was hurt, and hurt bad, but why should i judge him for what he did when maybe i should be looking at myself and think about what i did. no i am not saying im at fault for my breakup and i cant totally put the blame on him either, it was a lack of communication. if you read my last blog youll know what im talking about. so guys and girls before you give each other the fuck me eyes, talk about what turns you on and doesnt turn you on. ask what you expect out of the date or relationship, and tell each other truthfully if they have met your needs. guys ask the girl, what can i do to satisfy you, believe me in the throws of passion a woman will let her guard down a lot easier than if you ask them before hand whether she like 2 fingers or 3. listen to the sounds during sex and you will know real quick what really pleases a person sexually, but listen good cause you will hear a lot of fake made up ohhs and awws before you hear that one certain gasp of their breath and the look of ultimate pleasure on their face. dont candy coat sex make it fun, fun for both people, not just hey thanks for blowing me ill get you next time, knowing damn well you aint gonna call for a next time because you got what you wanted and you can find another girl that will give you the same thing when you need it. dont ever forget that foreplay is probably the most fun thing about sex, its the soft or hard touch, its the breathing and whispering in the ear, its the soft nibble of an earlobe, or the ultimate experience of a massage while you are both getting heated up. dont just go for the old standard missionary position. damn why do you think the kama sutra is there. do something fun, different and exciting. go to the adult bookstore and buy a new toy or video. buy a new scented oil to rub each other down with and never force a woman to go into an adult store if she doesnt want to by saying well i guess you really dont want me then do you? trust me everyone has issues with people knowing they are going to have sex in one way or another hence the deep breath most people take before going into the store, or you see the blushing smiles, hear the giggles and oh my gosh phrase. ive seen men who claim they would have sex on an airport landing strip that run into the store with their head down, hands in their pockets and avoiding eye contact with anyone else in the store, because oh my god what if someone i know is in there at the same time. hey i may have a lot of opinions on sex and i may tell alot of people what i like and what i dont like if they ask me. if i meet someone and i know there is that chance of bedding that person down im gonna tell them my every fantasy and how to get me off just to see if they remembered what i said, and for those of you that do read my blogs that i have been with i would like you to know that each of you in your own little way has helped me live out a fantasy or two. growing up i was so crushed when people told me i was ugly because i was so fat, that i vowed to myself that i would never put another person down for anything. i hate hurting peoples feelings and toying with emotions cause i know by first hand experience how deeply that cuts a persons soul, and i want both of us to have an awesome time. but if you ever want to stroke your manliness at the end of sex by asking was that good for you baby? or how was that? be careful asking that cause you just might get a boldly honest truth filled let down. so for what all this shit im saying, bottom line being, communicate, ask questions, experiment only if both parties are up for it and never force someone to do something they dont want to do, you will do more damage emotionally than physically by chance...

ok people lets ask the age old question, do u ever wish you had an awesome love like romeo and juliet but without the death in the end? even those hard core people would probably say if they had the chance to love like that they would. i wish i could love and be loved like that. i thought there for awhile i was, but the sad thing about romeo and juliet was they had the same problem then as couples face now a days; lack of communication. did you ever stop to think instead of the love they shared so deeply for each other that they would die by their own hands to walk together in the afterlife, that if there was a little communication there we would be dreaming of rugged men and fair maidens that Shakespeare wrote about? that is why most couples who get married end up in a heap of trouble, lack of communication. so why couldnt my ex come to me sooner and say, honey you know this has been on my mind for a couple days and i would really like to talk to you about it, instead he let it fester for months, unfortunately i was doing the same thing. instead of going to him and saying; listen babe i think we need to discuss a few things, i did what almost every other person in my shoes do now a days and because it wasnt mentioned in public i could sweep it under the rug and forget about it. i made the mistake of thinking hey he hasnt said anything about it lately maybe he's changed his mind. but like all great couples that come to an end my marriage did too. not because i was doing something wrong so bad he couldnt stand it anymore, or because he wouldnt give me money for groceries for the kids, it all started from a little seed of "I wish", i wish i had more money so i didnt need to beg for my kids eating dinner, i wish he made love to me more so i dont feel as such a fat cow, i wish she didnt nag me all the time about the toiletseat, the car seat, the toothpaste, the dishes etc. all these things that happen in the end is whats made of them iin the beginning. i can remember standing at the alter thinking i was marrying my prince charming, so what if i havent played the firld, so what i had only slept with 3 guys my whole life until this point. i looked in his eyes and listened to what he was telling me, his vows, never to leave me, never to go to bed angry, and never to let small problems become big messes. i remember saying i would never fight with him over money, i would never lay my head down when i was angry, and to help him through the difficult obstacles in life we all face by his side. so is romeo and juliet a true story, i would say yea, just cause if it were a fairy tale neither would have died, but endured a great life, with great love, and heal their families by making amends with those they had wronged. you know i heard that a step in AA, well as many people as i have known thats went through AA the only person i can ever remember wanting me to "work" that step with them was my mother in law and she didnt have hardly any bad stuff to tell me. i thought to myself i must be the most perfect daughter in law they have ever had. So why cant those who know they have wronged someone else go to them and admit fault, work out that step with them and see if the 2 can grow together, maybe not as husband and wife, but as friends, or as parents, but as human beings. being bullied my entire life has taught me a rough lesson; no matter who calls you names or what hurtful things they say to you about you or to someone else, there is a person that has done that to them to. i can forgive, im not real good at forgetting these wrongs but i have enough of a heart to forgive. and forgive i should as well as we all should. so thats my lil sermon for the day. oh and i believe there is such a thing as true love. i have believed in it all my life, its there i just need to take that leap of faith im afraid of making and grab true love by the hand, smile, blush,bat mu eyelashes at and say thank you for coming into my life and making me know for sure there is such a thing as a dream come true.

do you believe in fate? destiny? i do i think we were all put here for a reason and the people that come in and out of our lives are put there by divine intervention to leave their mark on our lives. i have been fortunate enough to have some great people who have come into my life and great great people leave my life. even though sometimes i seem a little jaded but thats just the mask i wear at the time. when my husband said he was not happy and wanted to leave my mind went racing. what did i do to deserve this? what did i do that would make him want to leave. but sometimes i look at it and think it was meant to be. we both enriched each others lives. he actually taught me that i was worthy of being loved and most of all being a mother when i thought that to be impossible. its been so long since i posted last and thats because all the crazy things in my life that keep me from putting my feelings down as much as i would like to. i find this to be a great release and hopfully a learning tool for others to realize when u feel like your at your lowest point in your life u just gotta pick your ass up and keep going. i get frustrated a lot because i cant have a life like my ex does. he can come and go as he pleases if he wanted he could stay at someones elses house and not have to worry if his son is at home still getting sick. this kinda angers me a lot of times when i wanna go do things, even to just get out of the house for some me time but i am first and foremost a mommy now and my boys will always come first in my list of priorities. and i know that is the right choice i make everyday when i look into their faces and see unconditional love for me in their big beautiful eyes. my oldest is like my ex in so many ways and a lot of times my heart hurts knowing that i dont have that constant companion anymore, the one i can tell everything and anything to and never fear being judged. but then i look and think sometimes that i dont want my son to turn out like his dad but i dont have the luxury of molding him into the perfect man. my youngest is like me, laid back funny and just a constant source of free entertainment. his eyes show love and fear at the same time as all kids do growing up. they know that they want to please all the adults in their life and have fun with the other kids but at the same time everything is a new experience for him and as apprehensive as i would have been at his age, he shows no fear. i think i have found a person that i can share everything with and at the same time not be judged by my looks but rather than whats in my heart and how i treat others. i can feel his sadness a lot and i revel in his happiness. he's lived a hard life but i look and know his heart is good. i love him as a great friend and am scared at the same time of losing him. im sure at some time he will read this and he knows who he is and i just wanna let him know how much i care about him. he has become part of my life now and i worry about him and what happens to him. i wonder about him everyday and think about what he is doing and if he's ok. i know it was fate that brought him in my life but at this point im not sure why, but im willing to find out. so again my question is do you believe in fate?

did you ever stop to think that your life was supposed to be different but you just didnt know what or how to change it. your life passes you by and you can only catch glimpses of what you are going through and thinking about what you could be different in your life? do you look at yourlife and think i couldnt have it any better than i do right now. i thought that, for a long time ithought i had the perfect life, a loving attentive husband who treated me good, 2 beautiful boys who make my world go round. then one day i stopped. i was out shopping in a store and something made me just stop in my tracks. i looked at all the women walking around, their kids either screaming in the carts or the kids were picking up everything and putting it in the cart and the mom was totally oblivious to them. there she was walking at a slow pace looking sideways as if to wonder if she got everything on her list. i looked at the empty look on her face and then there was another. and another. why were these women looking like zombies? wee they wondering what happened to their life? then i was paralyzed. like glue had me where i stood. do i look that way to people? do i think about my life 10 years ago 15 years ago. oh my god i did start thinking about it. i started to tell myself that what i was living was not the truth. my husband was never around, i would ask him to watch the boys so i could have some time to myself and he would tell me well cant you just take them with you. i always said yes even though half the time i wanted to slap him. sure its raining cats and dogs, ive had 2 back surgeries and still have a herniated disc, ill have to lift them in and out of the cart, drag them in the store and fight with them picking shit up. i would start to yell at them and then i would start thinking about what a bad mother i was. why did i have to yell at them so much. why wouldnt they listen to me but they would listen to their dad. it made me think even more. my boys listened to my husband because he would yell at the top of his lungs. he would pull them by their arm and spank them like he was beating a dog. he and my kids actually got kicked out of one of my doctors appointments. throgh a closed door he started yelling at them and the nurse walked in and said that the other patients were complaining and that he and the kids needed to leave or i would have to reschedule when they were not with me. they walked out. my doctor walked in and the first question he asked me was if i was ok, but it wasnt the typical how are u doing it was are u being hit or abused at home? i had never been more embarrassed in my entire life. i cried and cried. my doctor said he was worried. oh my god why couldnt i see all the shit he was doing to me? i would never ever had imagined myself cheating on my husband i wanted things for us to work out. nmaybe if he could just get some help. i begged him to go to the family doc, who very quickly put him on anti depressants. for weeks after that things changed and for the worse. he became withdrawn, he wouldnt kiss me like he used to, he was never home. i was mommy and daddy for my boys. for 2 weeks after he left us my boys had no idea he had moved out. he came over one day to see them, i told him i was not gonna be the one who told them he had left, so he asked me what i told them i said nothing. my oldest jumped into his arms as soon as he saw daddy. daddy i miss you, my husband asked where do you think daddy has been, my oldest said i thougth you were at a meeting or work. for 2 weeks my boys hardly mentioned the word dad. what did that tell me. it told me it was time to look differently at my life and see the good i have and whats to come. i still love my husband but not in the same way. i love him because he gave me two of the biggest blessings that anyone in their lives could have, kids. and also i loved him for the fact that if he could fall in love with me, i knew their were others out there, someone who would treat me like the person who hung the moon. treat me as the goddess i am and once was. to be loved unconditionally by a man that knew more than one way to treat a woman.

yea so my family doc decided that i needed to go see a therapist well who am i to argue with that going and seeing a therapist is a lot better then bottling up all my emotions. i just dont know what to do. i have always been such a good girl growing up. for the longest time i believed that i would not have sex until i got married, yea that lasted awhile. actually it did i held out until i was 19. i thought i was so in love with this guy. i met him through a friend and he would always flirt with me. i had never had a boyfriend even though i had offers, a girl has to have her standards but it was starting to look like i was gonna have to lower those standards to just breathing if i ever had a chance. that was at the point that people told me i would never have a boyfriend becuase guys just dont like fat girls. so i thought i was gonna die a dried up old fat sprinstress. the sister that will always watch your kids cause she has no life. so when i get this cute guy flirting with me i thought at first it was all a game. i had that played on me before, one of the hottest guys in school coming up to me and saying that they really liked me and wanted me to be their girlfriend, well of course when i agreed with much excitment thats when i would ear "sike". and then when they went off laughing with all their friends i went to a corner where noone could see and cry until i could get into the bathroom without being seen. i felt like i was constantly walking a round with a "kick me" sign on my back. why is it ok for a guy who is heavy to have as many girlfriends as they want but a fat chick, i might has well been a fucking leper.when i went ti high school it was the same thing. so i graduate without ever really being kissed so when me and my friend became really good friends with her brothers best friend we all had good times. then the flirting started. well one night he asked me to come over and watch a movie. so i said yes. hetold me my best friend and his best friend were gonna be there. i show up and no friends they had cancelled out. so we pull out the couch bed downstairs which we did all the time watching movies, but instead of watching the movie he was making his moves. i left as soon as i could find my shoes. i thought oh my gosh i got a boyfriend. yea fat chance, he liked my best friend started going out with her 4 days after we had sex and thought there was no problem them hanging out with me. she knew about us, she was the first one i went to after. they went out for 2 months after. well i should have seen it coming then about my luck with love.

ok here it is the shortest blog ive ever written: life sucks people are mean and then you die. unfortunately my foot is not in the grave...yet!

im continuing on my value thing. really what is the value of a touch, and embrace? i put value on every embrace. when my boys run to me and grab my leg because they think mommy will protect them. i would stop a bullet if i could. the littlest hands grabbing my thigh when they are shy around someone new. their little face hiding behind my leg. what about the embrace of a person you are just meeting. a handshake a hug, you can feel their energy and almost know what type of person they are. we all get that feeling meeting someone new. you get that feeling of should you just say hi and get a drink or sit them down and talk for hours. what about the value of an embrace. the type that your family gives you when you see them or you leave. i love my sisters hugs more than anything in the world because i know they are heartfelt and without prejudice. it is the type of embrace that when you feel bad it gives you that glimmer of hope. an embrace when you are sad and you just break down in their arms and sob and know they are hurting inside for you. the embrace of a friend can be the same, but what if this embrace you feel different about. the initial hug and its almost you feel you wana stay in their arms forever knowing their arms warm you from the inside. the type that after the embrace you look into their eyes and can tell their compassion, strength, and touch you will come back to them whenever you want. i lay in bed with a friend. is hand on my side his breathing glides across the back of my neck. i know what i said we were friends with benefits, but i want more, not necessarily physical love, but just to stay there forever. i have been so down on myself for so long and then when my husband left me i thought i would never be loved again, physically emotionally, just a woman yearning for the sofest touch, fingers brushing my cheek, my arm my back. why is it you think you can find what you want in life again but your pessimism bets your self esteem down to no mans land. ive been beat down so hard in my life that i dont think i could be beat down any further. someone help me, someone help me find everything i am looking for. someone help me out of this black hole ive fallen in and show me that love is still out there, out there for me. i wanna sit on a couch curled up under a blanket with arms around me. everyonce in a while fingers brush up and down my arms. light touch touching the back of my neck. sending shivers down my spine. i want a man who sees the scars on my body and wants to know how and when i got them. i want to explore that persons body, from head to toes. i wanna feel the rough skin of their hands, the hair on their arms, legs and chest. i wanna be able to look at their back and touch each vertebrae one by one. i wanna run my fingers down their spine. i want to feel their knees, the hair on their legs. i want the embrace of a man that is just as unconditional and real as when my boys grab onto me. i wanna go out to dinner and sit on the same side of the booth that they do playing footsies with them under the table, small stolen smiles and glances where you can see past the outside and just know what is in the inside. is that out there? am i just cursed never finding this? men have said i will baby i will do those things but the first time i sleep with them or mmet them, its wham bam and get out mamm. im tired of this life i need to find a balance between living my life and providing for my boys, since they are the only ones that have kept me here as long as i have. i have several different ways to end things at my fingertips, but the thought knowing my ex would get them and he already told me if he ever had to take the boys he would have to give them up. they are not dogs, you cant take them back to the shelter if they piss on the floor. if you want this life call me, let me know love is still out there and life is worth living in serch of this untouchable love. so i value each embrace i get. from my boys, from my family snd from my friends. i need love, i deserve love, i now know i am worthy to be loved by a good man. for some reason i always find the ones who are either emotionally bankrupt or are such players they are just after a piece of quick ass. i proclaim today is my day my time is now. i am beautiful, im hot, and i deserve the greatest love i have ever known.

if u ask most people now a days they will probably tell you, that you can put a value on just about anything. but whats the value of a kiss, a touch, an embrace. how can you put value on something like that, can you value those things, how about a relationship? to me there are so many different ways i value these things. the value of a kiss; soft lips a soft touch especially when there is real emotion behind it. a kiss to me is valued differently when placed in different body parts. a kiss on the lips to me mean i want to be with you i want to get to know you i want to give and recieve more. a kiss on the neck, passion, the type of passion that drives a relationship. the kind of kiss that makes you think of heat. a kiss on the breast, plain and simple i want you. how about the kiss on your fingertip, have you ever really thought about that? next time you are with yor other kiss their fingertips, see the reaction you get. a kiss on your thigh. depending on what emotions are going through your mind at that time it has different meanings too. last night i had a dream. i dreamed there i was sitting somewhere, i couldnt say what i was doing before that particular moment in my dream. my arms wee crossed in front of me and i was leaning on a fence of some soft. a man walked back to me and kissed me, just once on the lips, not a long kiss, not a friendly peck from a friend, but i could feel the passion behind it. my arms uncrossed i watched this man walk away. i strained to see where he was going, why just that one kiss, why me? the man turned back around and stood in front of me, he leaned down to me and kissed me again. this time this kiss was longer. not the most passionate kiss ive ever had but there was something behind it. i opened my eyes from that kiss to see his face. behind his eyes you could see there was something there. a smile scrawled across his lips, the corners of his mouth curling just a little. he smiled, i smiled back. at that point i knew in my heart i wanted him. i wanted him like i had never wanted a man before. i wanted to kiss him more. there are so many different ways you can kiss and each way directly corresponds with the person whois either getting or giving the kiss. i kiss my boys on the forehead, i know that when i do that they see that i love them unconditionally the kind of kiss that only a mother gives their child. when i ask for a kiss my youngest will tell me binky kiss, so i get to kiss his pacifier, then he pulls his binky out of his mouth and the best most adoreable bird lips emerge and i get a wet kiss, the kind that makes your heart melt as a mom. i kiss my sister. i love my sister not in a wierd way but the way that i know i can tell her anything. she does not judge me and encourages me which ever path i take. my family has always been the kissy touchy type people with just a few exceptions. my dad would come home from work, my mom would pass by and he would grab her and she would sit on his lap and they kissed. not the type of kiss that a child ever wants to see their parents do, but a genuine affection kiss. a hi honey im home kiss and im glad your here. my parents were married for 44 years and i never saw their kisses be anything but true to each other. that was the type of relationship i wanted to be in. i wanted that kind of true and unabashed love. when i was married the first several years i had those kisses, but they faded. why what did i do or what didnt i do. i rack my brain every day wondering why my love as well as his fizzeld out. what was the catalyst that made the love the passion between us fade. i thought it was all my fault. it wasnt. when i met him i was still young, he was younger we grew up and basically grew apart. he wanted to go one way i went another. so much for my wedded bliss huh? i still believe its out there. a person who can kiss me again and make me go weak in the knees. a small kiss that reminds you how important you are to someone else. to be embraced and loved for who and what i am. i care sometimes too much, but thats what has made me who i am today. i still believe love is out there for me, the person who i will grow old with, share the rest that life has to hold. the person i cry to when ive had a rough day and they just embrace me and tell me that everything will be ok. the person i go to when i just wanna sit and hold watching a movie or curled up on the couch playing footsie with each other. little smirks coming across our face wondering how much time we have alone before one of the kids rolls in. an embrace that i put my arms around his shoulders when hes had a bad day. the type that tells him i wanna know how your day went and dont leave out any details. i will listen intently and for real. kiss the back of their neck so they know what they mean to me. i wanna fight with someone who when they challenege me doesnt mind that i wont back down but might just give in to make love to them. start little arguments with them just to see them start to get frustrated but then realize im playing with them and a smile comes to him. i think every person in this world deserves this kind of relationship. everyone should realize the value of a kiss....

you know there are days that i feel alive. days that i feel i can do anything and everything. days that i feel like singing and laughing and dancing around in my home. days that i wake up and hear the birds singing. the whistles that radiate through my closed windows. days that i look at my boys and think i am the luckiest person alive. that everything i have done and do will be for them. i feel the unconditional love when they crawl on my lap and the truest words you can ever hear..."mommy i love you"... I hear that and think where was i before they came into my life. i was a miserable, unhappy, didnt trust in life or love. i walked on earth and my tracks disappeared behind me. i was nobody. a scar on the face of humanity that people would laugh and joke about. a tumor that just ruined the face of something beautiful. i never walked through life, i crawled. i hid under brush when people walked by. at times i wish i had a knife ni could just cut their feet out from underneath them and let them wallow in the life i was destined to live. i did the whole self mutalation thing, i thought about how to do it, pills, razorblade, car at the bottom of the river. how would i do it. i walked around in the summer wearing pants so people couldnt see the scars on my legs. i wore things on my wrists to hide a dark secret. then it happened. i met someone that actually looked me in the eyes. i was so used to being looked at to be made fun of that i didnt know what to do. when people looked at my eyes i used to look down and hide my disgrace. but this time was different. i actually locked eyes with him. i thought what is he gonna make fun of me about. what fat jokes linger in his mind. it didnt happen. we talked, we looked at each other like we were the only ones in this world. i was blinded. hours turned into days, days into months and months into years. years turned to trying to have kids, when i decided that kids were not meant to be in my future it happened. just as my hope had been dashed and my legacy dwindled it happened. laying on that table listening for a cry. hearing the doctors talk and hearing the blood hit the floor. i look at him his eyes glistened with tears. i was birthing not only a child but a heritage to live past me. i heard a cry. tears streamed down my eyes. they brought him to me the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life. i had given life to a little boy who was breathing, crying, and trying to open his eyes. i cried for what seemed like hours. i had lots of family who came to the hospital, they werent there to see me they were there to see the baby. that was ok for me i had never been one to be in the spotlight, i left that job for people who could handle that pressure. then as days passed, my husband took the greatest care of me and my baby. he provided to my every whim and the baby's. then it started happening, his eyes would never look into mine. he seemed to look at me with disgust. a look that i knew well but had never seen from him. i scared me. years went by, and a baby was coming into the world again. we were somewhat happy. things were not the same this time. my doctors appts, were me, our phone conversations were limited to maybe 5 minutes at a time usually to find out how the oldest was doing. time went by, i was a mom to 2 wonderful loving boys. they made me laugh, cry, and get mad. everything that kids are supposed to do. but my relationship with their dad was fading. what would i do how would i live. we constantly joked about his other girlfriend, which in my mind i knew exisisted. so a few more years have passed and here i sit watching the snow fall on the ground, hearing my boys fight with each other and the opening montage of spongebob. i am a mom, i have an important job, i am responsible for how they will grow into adults. i need to be here to love, nuture, and give them the other things that children need to grow up healthy and happy. and in this time i have found my voice. i know what my needs are and i am an adult that can do what she wants knowing there are consequences to all my actions. i need love, i need touch, and i need affection. want the job?......