MsTrinityD of TrinityEntertainmentSvcs's blog: "A Day in the Life..."

Hello my beloved fu-friends. After feeling much hate towards the Fu, and the game players, manipulators and liars that scurry under rocks when the sun comes up in this place.... I have dropped the gauntlet and moved along in my silly little polyamorous life. 2008, was the most f*cked up year to date for me to say the least.... Travel with my work took me to Orange county and took away my frequent flyer miles, I let my ex-boyfriend from 12 years ago back into my life (against my better judgment of not ever ever letting people who have hurt me back into my life for a second chance and he proved he was not worthy of that second opportunity), The Husband took off for Iraq in May (this isn't usually a bad thing but lots of bad things ensued once he was gone), My house caught fire in July sending me and the kitties scurrying frantically for new living space after the inlaws turned us down, I lost my super lucrative job and have been on the hunt for a new one for 6 months now with no luck, I had some altercations that I dont care to get into detail about with the law, Tax season was not kind to us this year, my car was broken into twice and an iphone had to be replaced along with GPS system, a new alarm system had to be installed, my computer crashed beyond repair with every document on it that I have ever created in my line of work that are utilized to prove I know how to do my work in an interview, a backup harddrive crashed, my mother was side swiped in the car that I bought her and pay the insurance for by a woman that had no insurance, my husband got home from Iraq and was rear-ended by someone doing 60 mph that ends up having no insurance whatsoever and our vehicle needs repairs, Months after the house burned and the contractors are stalled in completing repairs due to some duct work that needs to be replaced that was not anticipated my EMPTY house (as everything was moved out to ease construction) was broken into?? and everything that was left in the garage worth any money (toolbox, electric kitty litter box, old busted Microwave...) was lined up ready to be carted off at a more convenient time considering NO ONE is at the effin house anymore to actually stop this procedure... and last but certainly not lease- my entire reason for hating on the Fu and really considering getting off this mechanism for a while is.... My exbf who became my bf lied to me about cheating on me with a girl here on fubar and became my exbf again (& because of the lying, the cheating, the disrespect of my feelings and my rules about lying by the both of them and the manipulating game that he and she both played on me he will never be allowed in the circle of trust ever again). It has been a lot to over come in what seems to be such a short time. But I am actually back on my feet, things are starting to turn around a good bit. Things are progressing to the point of getting better, I have made some really good friends this year that have stuck beside me through out this horrible stuff and I am even grateful to an extent that the exbf/bf/exbf came into my life for a brief period to provide a distraction from what was messing with my head at the time. I firmly believe that people come into our lives for a reason, and I am finding they go for a reason as well. When their purpose is served, sometimes some people just need to go away so that we can get back on track with the lessons learned and a resolution to be a better person ourselves. My new years resolution is to make a career change, forgive myself for things I did wrong that hurt others and try to make amends for those things, tap into the more positive side of my energy moving forward with the new year and embracing who I am more steadfastly with conviction knowing that I am a good and honorable person that has a lot to offer those who come across me in their lifetime. Much love to all of you on this New Years Eve. May you be well, May you define resolutions for your New Year that you can achieve and may we all cross paths soon. *kttn*

Given how honestly terrible this day has been I felt compelled to publish something here that someone said to me in my darkest hour (this year)... "Kttn- please keep your head up sweetheart. I think that you are a wonderful woman with a wonderful heart. You ave a cutting edge knowledge of a healthy relationship. You are beautiful and logical. Most of all, you have a wonderful heart. I want to be a part of you. And you are the only one of one (unique). Therefore, I only have the heart, want and desire to love you. There's not too much choice for me to under those explained thoughts, feelings and understandings. No choice but to love you ..... So put your heart back on course!" Thank you Brett... I guess I never realized what a true friend I had in you in trying to make something else work that seemed doomed from the beginning. I hope that is not the case cause that gives me more reason to beat myself up over the end result. *kttn*

I now know, that the test that is used to determine true friendship is the one where your life is going to hell in a hand basket and you could probly use someone to be empathetic and at least play like they care.... but as nature would have it one of two things happens: 1. everyone hits the road because they don't need, want nor care to be a part of your life as long as you are no longer the life of the party or 2. They are completely unaware of like what reality outside their own cushy life is and they choose to lecture you about how you "need to have a positive attitude about {enter extreme end of the world crisis here} because that's what they would do if said crisis happened to the (although it's not happening to them at the moment they are giving their advice) and then they leave because their feelings got hurt that you didnt appreciate their judgment and suggestions. (UGH!!!) These people (whom number in the over 100 and climbing) are the most insensitive, asinine worthless wastes of existence residing on the planet and wasting the air that someone more worthycould be using. They have absolutely no empathy, in a moment of crisis they blame you for the situation you are in and because of certain under development of a rather obscure but LARGE section of their brain, they will try to make you feel even more worthless than you already do by saying things like "I think you are taking this tone with me because I didn't call you all this week" when in all actuality... My tone (the one where Im on the verge of tears from the frustration of already having gone in detail regarding the long list of mishaps and disaster that has taken place over the last month and a half) was the result of being unemployed for 4 weeks, with no income whatsoever coming in, being utterly exhausted from searching digging for possible job opportunities and rewriting my resume about 15 times, being completely wound up and stressed out over running two households on no money, and getting so f*cking tired of insensitive, inauthentic a$$holes who have NO consideration nor care whatsoever that I had just mentioned that I was pretty strung out and stressed over the current situation I just described. Why on earth my personal hell that has nothing to do with you, is suddenly all about you, Ill never f*cking know. I know that I am completely an airhead for thinking that the internet would be a good source of quality people to put through the friend test anyways. So much anonymity, and inauthenticity exists here that there is no possible way to find and sort out quality people here. It seems like a good start but by far there are going to be more people not worth the time than there are worth it. Those that I know and know of and have managed to communicate with somewhat consistently in a cordial manner are those I would consider quality. Anyone who writes me and says they wanna instafuck me (based on the word of the day in my profile) is probly not someone Im thinking has a lot of quality (giggles). At the end of the test.... true friends = 5 obnoxiously insensitive waste of fresh air = 100000000000000 (the rest of you are in what is known as friend purgatory probably- ya don't know me well enough to be my real friend or someone who has fucked me over yet. period)

A study in Flakiness as a reflection of a lack of Integrity by *kttn* Integrity, as defined by Wikipedia: “the basing of one's actions on an internally consistent framework of principles. Depth of principles and adherence of each level to the next are key determining factors. One is said to have integrity to the extent that everything he does and believes is based on the same core set of values. While those values may change, it is their consistency with each other and with the person's actions that determine his integrity. The concept of integrity is directly linked to responsibility in that implementation spawning from principles is designed with a specific outcome in mind. When the action fails to achieve the desired effect, a change of principles is indicated. Accountability is achieved when a faulty principle is identified and changed to produce a more useful action”. Per the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, “Integrity is one of the most important and oft-cited of virtue terms”. I would most certainly agree with this, as it is a person’s integrity in which judgments of a person’s character are made. If a person lacks integrity, they may also not be trustworthy, dependable, etc. With this said I have to admit that I am both amazed (not in a good way) and perplexed at flakiness (herein defined as a lack of integrity or LOI) and how it consumes my world as far as interactions with others. Overall in my assessment of things, I still believe that I love meeting new people. The excitement of finding a kindred spirit in this world, sharing thoughts and beliefs (whether you agree or disagree does not truly matter so much) and the sheer ability and opportunity to communicate with another person in a honest, upfront no bullshit format is a high for me. Admittedly, I “meet” quite a few people that there is no excitement on any level to be communicating and interacting with them. Then again I have set up many opportunities to meet new people that seem interesting, and bring a lot of value to the table (as far as being worth taking the time to get to know); however those meetings either never take place or end up being something completely different than what was discussed and there is no reason ever given as to why on either account as to why the person just flaked. Flaked in this instance indicating that the person 1) lied, 2) misrepresented themselves, 3) Set expectations that they did not follow through upon (whether they knew at the time of creating the expectations of whether they would follow through or not, is not known), and 4) shown a lack of integrity with their behavior. This type of behavior is what brings me to write today. I am saddened that people behave in this a way. I often wonder how these types of people manage to function in society when they lack the ability to follow through on commitments, and then lack the desire or ability to communicate back regarding their inability to follow through. I guess I have lived my life around a misnomer that if I were to behave in the way that I want those around me to behave, then it will come to fruition. When I review my own behavior, I definitely have to acknowledge that I am by no means perfect. I have made plans to do things that the consequences were completely out of my control, and in some instances I have not communicated to the person what happened with me and I assuredly came across as a completely psycho inconsistent person suffering from a lack of integrity. But I see the wrong in what I have done, and tried to better it. I do my best to make my commitments, to be in touch with those I’m committed to when I am unable to make it, and so on. But also in a review of my own behavior, never once have I set expectations that a certain chain of events was going to occur and then just disappear. This sort of situation is seemingly as difficult to describe as it is to fathom. But lets say for example’s sake a girl meets a guy in an online forum for meeting people that have similar interests. They communicate via the forum or alternative means and determine that they would both be interested in meeting face to face. Upon meeting face to face (outside of all the drama that occurred to get to that point not to be discussed in detail here) they get along splendidly, have similar interests and views about life, interactions, goals, etc and decide that they would like to continue interacting face to face. They go to dinner; they spend time together, exchange emails and text messages on a regular basis for a period of time. Suddenly, one of the two parties in this scenario, disappears. No more emails, no text messages. They don’t return communication when communication is attempted. Its over, and it hadn’t even begun. There was no explanation, its just time to move on. WHAT THE HELL????? Could someone please explain to me where the people go? What happened to them? Obviously they didn’t die in some awful car wreck or from a fatal disease that they didn’t disclose, because they are seen as active in the forum (that was mentioned previously) once again. Appearances in the forum suggest that they were seemingly unhappy with the match-pick they made, and unannounced determined it was time to look for something else. THIS is lack of integrity folks. There is NO REASON on the planet to just walk away from someone without at least clueing in the other party that you have departed and won’t be returning. Your seat has been vacated for whatever reason and is free to be available to a more emotionally available, worthy party that is FULL of integrity.

So a friend of mine from Fubar messages me tonight and tells me his ex-girlfriend hacked his Fubar account, got the password and blocked 47 people on his friends list. I was one of them. Hmmmm jealousy perhaps, I presume. Any hot chics (or perceived hot chics that might very well be guys posing as girls- WHAT? never thunk it? lol), are gonna get the boot in cyber-land I suppose was her motive. Jealousy was the motivator. But why? This is something I have been pondering/discussing/despising as of late with my friend CK. We have become enthralled in discussions about Love, its true meaning overall in general, other peoples perceptions of love and loving another person and how some people confuse jealousy and comfort and the satiation of their insecurities by the existence of someone close to them, for love. Are you kidding me. When did being a psycho crazy revenge bent jealousy ridden c*nt mean you love someone ? Give me a break.... I am not a hugely religious person, but I am very spiritual and I believe in a higher power. I feel that I am beyond the belief of the social norms that are pressed upon us by society as "normal and acceptable". There is a bible verse in Corinthians that defines what love should be.... "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." This just sort of cracks the surface of that whole "Love- you are doing it wrong" kinda theme Im going with here. Jealousy, not good. Insecurity, even worse. Being with someone and throwing your drama on them because you are insecure, jealous, manipulative, conniving, basically evil in a woman suit.... is just plain wrong and bad social skills. I am a huge advocate for people getting their shit together when it comes to this kind of stuff. If all these things are wrong, and your relationships are in the sh*tter and these qualities about yourself are the reasons why.... why wouldn't you want to fix them to end the cycle of dysfunctional relationships and start having functional relationships with real feelings and emotions that are rooted in confidence and self assured-ness instead of self doubt, lack of self respect and misplaced self esteem in relationships rather than in oneself internally? Pfffffffffft I don't know. And I truly do not believe one person can change the world, cause Id have done it already (tinka tinka tink - nose twitching like in bewitched) I guess all of this to say that Love, for those who THINK they have a clue and dont really.... is ............ (wait for it) UNCONDITIONAL! (this is seemingly hard for most people to comprehend. And ask yourself... do you put conditions on your feelings for your significant other? Do they do this to you?) So something I have read goes something like this: To experience love as based upon rigid conditions is destructive to our well being (amen). To put such stringent conditions on "loving" someone is just not loving at all. Its Control, manipulation, obsession, and possession. These words, as far as I know, and per Merriam-Webster are not SYNONYMOUS on any level, with LOVE. Additional ramblings that have significance towards the subject matter: - People can feel deeply secure in love that has no restrictions or conditions. - People do not own each other in any manner. - Believing that you can own another person will cause you great suffering. Believing that you have the right to do so will lead to a constant state of fear. Know that you are whole. Everybody says this, but if you have never lived alone, consider doing so for one cycle of the planet around the sun. See what you learn in each season. If you an not live with yourself then you're in constant state of dependence, which leads to resentment (which this doesnt exactly have to pertain to you as much as it probly pertains to whom you are with). The ownership that arises from the monogamous mind-set leads to both subtle and overt violence. It also creates completely needless deception (hint hint). Love is expansive. It is also natural to become intimate with those we love who are not physically repulsive to us. Look out everyone! You cant hold back the floodgates much longer. We are becoming to sensitive and psychic to lie to each other any longer. Our souls crave truth too greatly to pretend that we are only attracted to one person. The soul mate myth puts the lives of so many in limbo only to await for an illusion that never comes. If ones feels it is present, it is only a temporary high that after months or years of micromanagement becomes painfully disillusioning. (from writings by Mystic Life) - Sex is communication. In the heavenly state of sexual communication, we feel what our lover wants and give it without conditions. Back and forth our loving exchange continues free of self consciousness or shame, each touch caressing away the pain of the past, and increasing the high vibrational state of vulnerability, defenselessness and transparency. (from the writings of Mystic Life) I guess this is a bit deep for most; so I will cut this off here. I hope that some might find it enlightening and take it into consideration when doing retrospection on current past and future relations with people. What they have been, what the current state is and how it can truly be better. Settling is really not being true to self and that's a travesty. *kttn*

If you ask someone who doesn't know anything about me, it seems that they might think that because of the pictures on my profile, and the interpretations that are made by others of these.... that I am: A party girl (the sexually deviant sort), a conceited and arrogant f*cking tease giving off some sexual vibe that i never f*cking intended to give off; that I dont intentionally give off.... that I'm some uber f*ck toy (blow up doll with a pulse) that some people use to their advantage... well WHATEVER f*ckers!!!!! I am not who you are trying to make me into. I don't care what you imagined me to be, what you keep telling me your impression of me is.... I am who I am; I party and have a good time and I'm sucking every last awesome drop of goodness out of my life and you seem to be so consumed with jealousy it oozes from your words. Oh yeah.... and EASY was never a word used to describe me. pfffffft *kttn*

I honestly have to say that I dont feel like just because you are dying, you get a hall pass to be a big f*cking pathetic asshole who is completely selfish and self absorbed by the disease and has you completely out of touch with what little bit of life you do have left. You had the opportunity to spend a wonderful weekend with a fabulous person who wanted nothing more than to get your mind off things, get you away and just spoil you with attention and affection. And you f*cked her over, treated her like she was worthless and consider yourself in the right for doing her this way because of your situation. You consider that you have done no wrong because no one understands what you are going through as they arent dying like you are and you arent really bothering to tell her or anyone maybe, whats really going on. But you want empathy and understanding from others who could not even possibly know whats going on without you sharing. Youd honestly think that you would want to suck every last fabulous moment from your life in whatever way possible. And if someone was offering to love you even in your "broken" state, you think the last thing in the world you would do was toss her aside like she never ever mattered to you. Only your meltdown matters. Only your life slipping away from you matters and not how you treat people in the interim.

I dont know what it is, but I sometimes dont tend to fair well here with some ppl. I am honestly thinking more and more its "their" issue more than it is mine (not fending off all the blame on others but definitely not sucking it all up as my fault alone). I am an upfront kinda person, sometimes Im abrasive, sometimes Im going to say something you dont want to hear... but you really can never complain that you dont know where Im coming from (it is sometimes a tangled mess though :-( ). Ill be the first to admit I have a warped sense of looking at things. I interact with others in order to hone the twisted perception I have of things into something more logical and less twisted. Some people make it through the lesson I am getting and some people dont. I guess its casualties of war. I am not a laid back person. Most of the time I am totally twisted in knots and no one really even knows it til they take the time to see it. I live for chaos and debate when people try to tell me who I am in their perception but havent taken the time to really get to know me. I speak my mind, even if its incredibly detailed and considered tmi for the moment. Things come in my head and I just want to get them out there more as a question to say "Is this what you wanted me to think of what you said?" so one has the opportunity to say.... "Um no, baby girl you are way off base". Communication is key for me; and I am still learning how the best way is to do that. What works with some, doesnt work with others and so on... But I need to be able to communicate and be free in doing so. Free of judgment, free of ridicule, free to think as I like even if you dont agree with what I think. I am not entirely open minded about everything, but Im working on that as well. Each passing day with each new interaction teaches me something different a new avenue to open up. I guess I take patience and a grain of salt to be tolerated. Getting to know me is probably in my own account a painful and torrid process and as I have stated before... I am not for everyone. This is the hardest thing for me to accept as I want so much to connect with every ounce of energy that comes into my path (wake) it just isnt always meant to be ... So I have that nagging little thought in the back of my head wondering what I missed in not connecting there, but I have to move on. I am starting to understand this but some people leave in such a negative way that the moving on part is extremely difficult. Lessons to be learned... life is full of lessons. I guess Id just like to convey one thing here and hopefully it will mean something to someone at some point.... please let your energy connect with my energy if the time so deems this sort of connection to occur. Please also keep an open mind about the person that I am and try diligently to understand that I am unique. Not so much as an individual perse but just unique in how i think, how i act, how i speak and how I live my life. Try not to stereotype me or generalize me even though based on my own conditioned response to life... I generalize. Its a fault of mine that I dont wish to be generalized or categorized but I do this very thing to others. I am working on this... and many many other things as well (as I definitely know im not perfect nor can I even try to be; just better).

What an entirely weird day today. The system I have been working to implement at a school in Orange County since January, went live today at 5am. At 845am I got a call that my house was burning. Structure analysts would be visiting the property to determine whether its inhabitable. My cats..... were scattered and stoned. A huge red sign is taped to the door of my residence "Deemed Uninhabitable" (where will I inhabit then?) I ran home (2 hours) to save my only valued possessions in the house (my cats) and was bombarded by Insurance Consultants who pray on people in whacked out mode.... I fell for the head fireman that saved my house today. Maybe Im just super greatful that he saved my house, my cats and.... me from getting swindled. I <3 Phil, San Jacinto Fire. (Photos in Fire Album) Monday Monday!!!!

Well... It has been like 3 weeks or so since John left on his WestPac Deployment. As much as he and I can seemingly live apart from one another for periods of time ranging from a month to 3 months, and have things go perfectly fine; the minute he gets on the ship to do these things he does for work for an elongated period of time, is the minute all hell breaks loose here, for me. Every person I surrounded myself with as an emotional support mechanism, caved. Amazing how when John is home and he is the one being my confidant that I never realized how weak my support mechanism was. Its been rather devastating to one by one peel away the people I called "friend" because of their inability to be honest with me.... their inability to find time in the day even to text message me once in a blue moon to stay in touch, their inability to come forward with the fact that they just dont have time to be in my life any longer but somehow want to remain attached to me virtually. I have chatted online for 22 years now in some shape form or fashion ("mudding", IRC, ICQ, AOL, Yahoo, etc.) and while it fills some need for interaction, VIRTUAL means of connecting with people has never been my first choice. I have settled for it, but otherwise, I definitely prefer real interactions with people, real connections, real chemistry and real emotions. So... Here I am going into Week 4 and Im alone. Its somewhat perplexing because I spend a majority of my time alone. Im not usually impacted by the fact that I am alone alot of the time. Im independent. I handle most of running both of our homes, alone. I go out alone, I have dinner out alone, and so forth. It usually isnt an issue. What makes this instance different than all the other instances? I am not sure. I am muddling through it as I ache to identify what it is that is causing this. Id love to make new friends. Id love to meet some new people. I have been spending alot more time here in SoCal versus being in Chicago like last year and so Id like to have some fun here locally. I am missing my friends in Chicago and might have to make a trip back in order to get my bearings. This isolation, is smothering my soul. Like a flower without the sun, it closes up and you think its just going to be that way forever. Never opening up. To the one person in my life that I really want to be around; I hope you come around and open up to me again. I really need to know whats going on with you and us and whomever else. One less thing to stress I guess, or one more thing to put aside and lock away as a lesson learned. *kttn*