Valerie's blog: "1"

I thought rollercoasters were supposed to be fun And your screams were to be of delight Up the hills and around the turns Holding on with all of your might But imagine sitting in that rollercoaster car And you're the only one there No seatbelt, no guardrails, no support And behind the controls, a man who doesn't care He sends you roaring into the night You're grasping on just as tight as you can Faster and faster, no end in sight Is he trying to throw you? What is his plan? But you don't have time to figure that out You're just trying to stay in the game Just hold on, wait it out, it'll be over soon But after this, things won't be the same Now you're finally pulling into the final port And slowly let go of your coaster car Afraid to stand up, does he have another trick You can't believe you made it this far He slowly steps out from behind the controls With a smile he comes toward you and opens his arms wide "It was a test baby, now I know you that love me" And your response: "Then it's you're turn for a fuckin ride"

What is this? What the fuck? What the hell? I was ready to just give up for good. Do you realize this flip-flop punk-rock thing Has me standing here, stuck where I stood? Baby, what the hell am I talking about?! Do you see what youre doin to me? My words make no sense all a jumble.. My smile finally set my laughter free. So back to my point of being stuck where I stood Although now youre the one pushing me through I know that Im strong, and kind, and good But whats amazing is that you see it too The key to this quandry is not that you see All thats been looked over in my past But that you shout from your rooftop that I am the one Who the fuck cares that it happened so fast So stuck where I stood isnt stuck at all Its just finally resting after this long ass fight And your shoulder is where Im laying my head But somehow, that just seems right.

Solitary, all alone... me, myself and I I've fought so long to get to here and now I wonder why As I look back over my life, there is so much that I see The happy times, the sad ones, the experiences that molded me I used to be this carefree girl, as many would probably say In spite of what I lived at home I had dreams of "one fine day" I had no doubt that people were good, I trusted to the core My heart was posted on my sleeve, my intentions completely pure My soul was splayed, like an open book, whatever you wanted to know My dreams, my hopes, my secret thoughts, I would oh so willingly show But over time my dreams and hopes, the secrets I shared so willingly Were mocked by those I trusted, one by one they died peacefully I awakened one morning with no more dreams and nothing to live my life for All I had been, the girl that I was, was gone she lived no more I couldnt blame the others who broke my heart, and the ones who broke me down I put myself out there, unguarded, no safety, and I hit the fucking ground But I picked myself up, dusted off, nursed my wounds for a bit Then I squared my shoulders, sorry to say, because I knew that this was it Okay? I put on the face that you want to see... you're not looking into my eyes anyway I speak the words you want to hear... my opinion means nothing today I hold back the tears until I'm alone... I don't want to burden your life with my pain I smile and laugh and joke and things, but secretly I feel I'm going insane I'm still praying for a time, a place, a person, for a peace of mind Where I can just be me again, and not feel so fucking blind I want to be alive, carefree I want to trust and love and play I want to be loved for who I am. Nothing else. That's It. Okay?

You cut yourself to make me bleed You cry to see my tears You hold your breath so I will faint As you have done for all these years You know my weakness, where to strike And how to bring me down You're the fucker driving off the cliff But I will hit the ground You broke the pictures on the wall And I cleaned up your fuckin mess So my baby could wake up and walk in my room Without glass cutting into his flesh So you tell me who's a selfish bitch Go ahead, call me another name You think I haven't bean beat down before Do you forget from where I came I know who the fuck I am And I know who I want to be I know that you fucked your life up By missing out on me.

Push me away, ignore my love Do just as you have done It seems our fairytale is over Although it had only just begun You chose to carry your burden alone And for you I feel a great sorrow Because sadness, I know, is easier shared Yet, we're waking up alone tomorrow I can't understand the choices you make By pushing away someone who loves you And my heart just can't stand another break Aftar all that it's already been through I know that I put my all into this My soul, my time, my tears and dedication I wish that was enough to have helped you through So you wouldn't give in to your hurt and frustration But it's over now, I'll walk away Another chapter in my book is done I'll turn around and try to pretend I wasn't sure you were the one.

I really don't need I love you's Not if they're only lies Don't you think I've heard it before With those big ole puppy dog eyes You tell me I'm the world to you And I make your dreams seem real Do you think you're the only one Who's givin me that spiel What makes you think I'll fall for you Because you say what I want to hear And you whisper those sweet little nothings So softly in my ear Yes I admit, my heart skips a beat When you tell me that you love me But the tears that I cry drown out that hope That this is truly meant to be So please don't promise me fairy tails Unless you can show me a happy end My heart can't take another twist No matter how much I pretend

I can't seem to clear my head these days Or maybe it's finally as it should be All of the sadness has drained away My thoughts are consumed with you and me My heart has been racing since I first saw your face Those eyes.... that grin... I can't even express My skin is flushing a little right now Remembering your voice, your whisper, your finesse I can't help but smile when I think of us Even as tears stream down my face And the love that I feel for you is true You have my heart... my soul.. and soon, my embrace